In memory of my close friend Radhika, who left us so suddenly, in the first week of this year.
It has taken me almost 7 months to build up the courage and look inwards - to try and understand what she meant to me or indeed what we meant to each other.

Some
friendships announce their entry with a fanfare. Others creep in on you. With
Radhika, it was neither. She walked into my life, strong and tall, with the
quiet assurance that she was here to stay.
I first met
her (Ms. Radhika Sridhar) when she interviewed me for a job at NIIT. I
instantly sensed that we were different from the rest. Here were two sari-clad
women, approaching forty, among a bevy of yuppies in western clothes and
accented English. I also, somehow, knew she would select me. She had the ability
to look beyond my age and my appearance. Instead of the routine questions, she
asked me things that made me think. We seemed to connect almost instantly. At
the end of the interview, she offered me the job with a firm handshake and a warm
smile.
Two days
later, she invited me for a private chat over a cup of coffee. Gently, she
doused my over-enthusiasm and introduced me to the practical realities of the
IT industry. More importantly, she planted a thought that would remain with me
for years—that I should return to architecture, the profession I had trained
for and my true area of competence.
The
conversation was matter-of-fact. There was neither condescension nor
patronising advice, only quiet honesty. Without even realising it, I found
myself shedding my belligerence and beginning to look at things more calmly.
As it
turned out, she was right. In less than ten months, I left the IT industry
behind and returned to architecture—a decision I have never regretted.
Soon
afterwards, she invited me home. It was there that I met Sridhar, for the first
time and witnessed the effect he had on her. In his presence, she became a
different woman. The less said about that, the better. As I walked out of her
house that day, she quietly walked into my heart and took up permanent
residence there. Even today, I can clearly picture her standing at the doorway
with that slightly tremulous, almost apologetic smile that became so much a
part of her.
From then
on, we were friends. We still are.
Our
friendship only deepened over the years. In many ways, it was effortless. Women
of the same generation, background and aspirations, we had so much in common.
We were professionals trying to balance careers with families, children, ageing
parents and in-laws, financial responsibilities and, often, difficult spouses.
We could
talk endlessly. Equally, we could sit in complete silence.
Once, I
spent over two hours with Radhika, hardly uttering a word, yet returned home
with my heart so full that it felt as though we had spoken about everything
that mattered.
How does
one encapsulate twenty-five years of friendship in a few paragraphs?
We
journeyed together from our forties into our mid-sixties, sharing almost every
phase that life placed before us. We watched our children grow, choose careers,
fall in love, search for life partners and eventually find their own place in
the world. We lost parents and in-laws, coped with our own health issues,
progressed in our careers, celebrated a few recognitions, stepped into
retirement, learnt to manage our finances differently and gradually discovered
new interests in the second innings of life.
Those are
the practical milestones.
But there
were also the intangible moments—the fleeting joys, the disappointments, the
uncertainties and, above all, the loneliness that visits all of us at different
times. Even in those moments, I somehow always felt her presence beside me.
Radhika was
patient by nature. Gentle, but never weak. Firm, but never aggressive. She was
also someone who would often give in, if she believed it would restore peace.
Those were qualities I lacked in abundance.
Looking
back, there are perhaps three life lessons she taught me that changed me
profoundly.
The first
came after an incident I would rather forget.
One day,
she arrived unexpectedly at my house to change before attending a wedding.
Unfortunately, she walked straight into the middle of a bitter argument between
Naren and me. It was one of those ugly fights where I came off the
worst—raving, ranting and completely losing control.
A week
later, she came to meet me in my office. There was no judgement in her voice,
no attempt to lecture me.
She simply
said,
"You
can fight. You can raise your voice. You can put your point across—but never at
the cost of your dignity. You are a wife, a mother, a professional, a
daughter-in-law and, above all, a woman of substance, intelligence and grace.
Never let circumstances strip you of your dignity."
"The
other day, your anger was beneath you. Did it achieve anything, other than
draining you emotionally—and perhaps physically?"
That was
all.
She neither
criticised me nor excused my behaviour. She simply held up a mirror and made me
look at myself. Even today, whenever I feel myself slipping into anger, those
words come back to me. More often than not, they succeed in quelling the
hysteria before it overwhelms me.
The second lesson
she taught me came after my father passed away suddenly.
Somehow, I was unable to come to terms with his death.
For almost a year, I merely existed. I went through the motions of daily life,
but nothing brought me any joy. I stopped going out. There was no shopping, no
crosswords, hardly any television. Even reading, something I had always loved,
became infrequent.
Radhika gently helped me see the reality I was refusing
to accept. She reminded me that our parents would have wanted us to live our
own lives, not remain imprisoned by grief. She made me understand that
accepting reality was not disloyalty, nor did moving on mean forgetting those
we loved. It simply meant allowing life to reclaim its rightful place. Those
conversations stayed with me.
Years later, when my mother also passed away suddenly, I
grieved deeply. But this time, grief did not consume my reality. There were no
regrets over words left unsaid or moments missed because, as Radhika had once
pointed out, not every emotion needs to be spoken aloud. Some relationships
transcend words. The love between parents and children often resides in a
silent understanding that neither side feels compelled to constantly express.
That insight became one of the greatest gifts she ever
gave me.
The third lesson came through Suriya.
Like every parent, I navigated his turbulent years of
adolescence, academics, teenage emotions, first love and the long journey into
adulthood, with a lot of confusion, anxiety and frustration. My reactions, most often were emotional rather than rational.
Radhika invariably encouraged me to step back before
stepping in.
She had an ability to remove herself from the emotion of
a situation and look at it with remarkable balance. Her gentle words helped
smooth over many moments that had seemed impossible at the time. More often
than not, she made me realise that children sometimes needed understanding more
than intervention. Looking back today, I know those conversations made me a
better mother.
Not all her gifts came in the form of life lessons.
We both came from a generation of women who rarely felt
confident about their appearance. As we grew older, increasing weight and
advancing age certainly did little to improve that confidence. Yet Radhika
belonged to that rare group of people who loved me enough to genuinely believe
I was beautiful.
She never saw me by my physical appearance alone. She looked
beyond it—at my expressions, my mind, my enthusiasm, my intellect or may be my
intentions. Whenever I dressed up for an occasion, she would invariably
exclaim, "Wow! You look so nice!"
Those few simple words had an extraordinary ability to
brighten my day. They made me feel seen, valued and loved. They allowed me,
however briefly, to see myself through her eyes rather than through my own
relentlessly critical ones.
Did I have complaints about her? Of course I did.
A few were trivial. A few were not.
I could never understand why she treated personal visits
almost like professional appointments. "I'll come at two o'clock and
leave at three," she would announce with military precision. It
irritated me no end. Friendships, I believed, were meant to overflow time
slots.
The irony, of course, is unforgettable.
The very last time she came home, she arrived completely
unannounced. I wasn't there. She made herself comfortable, made herself a cup
of coffee, found something to eat and spent time chatting with my mother-in-law
as though she had lived there all her life. By the time I returned, she was
ready to leave.
But before she did, she smiled and said that we would
meet again soon—with no agenda and no time slots. That was one promise she
never got the chance to keep.
Another thing that often puzzled me was her apologetic
attitude.
She apologised for things that were never really hers to
apologise for—her figure, her weight, her failing eyesight, sometimes even her
children and, of course, Sridhar the Great!
I would often tell her to stop apologising, to accept
reality and confront it head-on.
But perhaps it is always easier to advise than to live
another person's life. Every individual understands the complexities of their
own circumstances better than anyone else. She knew why she accepted so much.
She knew why she stayed. She knew what her marriage meant to her. As close as we were, I never felt I had the right to
question the most private decisions of her life. Friendship, after all, also means respecting another
person's silences.
Looking back, I
realise that the most enduring aspect of our friendship was the quiet positive influence
we had on each other.
I, somehow, always reminded Radhika of her own
worth—professionally and personally. I encouraged her to recognise the
intelligence, competence and strength that others saw so easily, but which she
often failed to see in herself. She valued that immensely. She also knew that,
whatever the circumstance, she could count on me. I would be there for her.
For me, Radhika was the gentle mirror I needed to soften
the harsh glare with which I so often viewed myself. She constantly reminded me
to go easy on myself. She made me feel good about who I was. She celebrated
every achievement of mine, however small, with genuine pride. More importantly,
she made me feel loved, cherished and valued by someone whose opinion I
respected deeply.
Even today, I find it difficult to believe that she is no
more.
I still catch myself looking at her name on WhatsApp and
wondering.
Some part of me still expects a message or a call.
I know, for a fact, that she valued romance in life. She often
encouraged me to cherish it in my own marriage, even during difficult times. It
seems particularly poignant that she left us so quietly, without even a whisper
that would have allowed those who loved her to gather around her one last time.
She achieved so much in life. She built a successful
professional career, raised two beautiful gifted children, weathered more than
her share of personal storms and, even in the later years of her life,
continued to learn. I remember with great affection her enthusiasm for drawing
classes and her delight in discovering line, colour and composition.
I have often wondered what she might have accomplished
had life been gentler with her, had circumstances been more nurturing and
encouraging.
But perhaps that is an unfair question.
None of us lives the life we might have lived.
We live the one we are given. And Radhika lived hers with
quiet courage, immense dignity and unfailing grace.
If she taught me how to live, she also taught me how to
face loss.
She taught me to leave regrets behind, to accept what
cannot be changed and to understand that love does not end with a goodbye.
Life moves on.
It always does.
Radhika was not merely a part of my life; she became part
of the person I slowly grew into.
She never judged me. Perhaps that is why there were never
any real secrets between us. We did not always speak openly about everything.
In fact, many of the most important issues in our lives, remained unspoken. But our hearts
always knew what lingered there.
Today, she lives in those quiet chambers of memory where
time cannot intrude. She is there in the perfumes and jewellery she lovingly
gifted me, in the many conversations we shared, in the comfortable silences we
treasured and, above all, in the countless moments when she quietly helped me
become a better version of myself.
And every time I choose dignity over anger, acceptance
over regret or kindness over judgement, I know that somewhere, the gentle
mirror she once held up before me still reflects the person she believed I
could become.
Radhika, wherever you are, may you finally find all that eluded you here, and may you forever hold close the few things you truly cherished.